Musab Hemsi
- Partner
Insights | Employment
When it comes to bereavement, don’t forget about men
19 November 2024
Traditional gender and cultural stereotypes really do have a lot to answer for. We’re almost a quarter of the way through the 21st century, yet too many men still believe that displaying visible signs of grief and sadness is a weakness.
In fact, research from the Sue Ryder Trust found that 52% of men hide how they are feeling, even from those closest to them, during the grieving process. A worrying 33% of the men they surveyed feared being excluded by friends if they talked honestly about their feelings, with 46% believing their grief would make others uncomfortable.
If this is how a third of men feel about their friends, it’s reasonable to assume they’re making even bigger efforts to disguise their grief at work. And without any form of emotional release, stress levels in grieving men can continue to remain high, and they may be more likely than women to turn to alcohol and drugs to help them cope.
As these statistics show, men are far less likely than women to disclose to their employer that they are struggling with grief. In fact, men can often work more than normal to distract themselves from what’s going on in their personal lives, or to feel more in control. This can sometimes lead to burnout.
Put this together with heightened anxiety about job security during these challenging economic times, and there’s a real worry that the suffering of recently bereaved men can be under the radar at work. After all, how do you support someone who you don’t know is hurting, or who insists they don’t want to talk about it?
Losing a baby – at any stage – is a bereavement too
It’s worth noting that all the above can be especially true of men when it comes to baby loss. It’s estimated that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss, either during pregnancy or birth. As this often occurs at the early stages, an employee may not have even told anyone at work that they are expecting a baby.
As progressive workplaces move towards a more open and supportive culture, the impact of baby loss – whether that’s through miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death – is certainly more widely talked about than it used to be. However, the support on offer from employers is often focused on mothers, with less consideration given to the fact that fathers can suffer too.
It’s important to recognise that baby loss – at any stage – can be a harrowing experience for both parents. Colleagues can often make well-meaning but painful comments, such as ‘you can always try again’ or ‘at least it happened early’. And again, there’s a societal expectation on dad to ‘be strong’ for their partner, which can pile on the pressure. Sadly, statistics show that the stress of coping with baby loss can increase the risk of a couple separating.
Everyone deals with the grief of baby loss differently. While some are more resilient and able to return to work, others understandably need more time to heal before they can face a return to the office.
What must employers do by law?
Thanks to the introduction of what’s known as ‘Jack’s Law’ in 2020, employees have the right to up to two weeks of paid parental bereavement leave after the death of a child under 18, or a stillbirth after 24 weeks of pregnancy. In the case of a stillbirth, a birth father is also entitled to up to two weeks of paternity leave or pay on top of this.
When other loved ones classed as dependants die (such as a spouse, parent or person who relies on them for care), there’s no definition of how long can be taken other than it needs to be ‘reasonable’. There’s also no right for this time off to be paid.
It gets even trickier if a person has lost someone they were very close to, but does not qualify as a ‘dependant’ – such as a best friend, or favourite cousin or uncle. In these cases, there is no legal right to time off at all.
And if a miscarriage happens in the first 24 weeks of pregnancy, there’s no entitlement to statutory maternity, paternity or parental bereavement leave.
While there’s a limit to what workplaces are legally required to do to support men through bereavement, what they should be doing from a compassionate perspective is another matter entirely.
Doing the right thing
In practice, most employers do offer at least some compassionate leave, or other types of leave, to bereaved employees. If taken as sick leave, some employers may offer full pay, while others may only pay the statutory amount. Employers should be warned that the latter can often lead to someone returning to work before they are ready, especially if they feel their job role could be at risk. This can lead to longer term problems for both the bereaved person and the employer.
Some employers suggest using annual leave to cover time off after a bereavement, if an employee doesn’t want to lose wages. However, the intended purpose of annual leave is for rest and relaxation. And what happens if an employee is bereaved after they have already used up all their annual leave for the year?
A practical step employers may want to consider is offering staff membership of an income protection scheme that will cover their salary for a longer period if they are unable to work – whether that is due to bereavement or another health reason.
And when it comes to pregnancy loss, some progressive employers, such as NHS England, Tesco and John Lewis, have policies that give both the mother and father a period of paid leave specifically for this reason.
When a bereaved person does return to work, an employer may also need to allow for a temporary impact on their performance, even if they appear stoic on the surface. A tribunal would almost certainly consider losing someone close as a good reason for an employee not being as productive, focused or accurate as normal.
Additional difficulties may come with persuading men to get professional support if they’re not coping well. Men’s mental health charities have made great strides in reducing the stigma around low mood, but chances are a bereaved man is still less likely to talk about it than a woman.
If an employee keeps telling you they’re fine, it’s difficult to support them. Employers should therefore keep a compassionate eye on the behaviour of someone who has recently lost someone close to them and, if available, proactively signpost them to the firm’s mental health first aider or counselling support.
If your workplace offers an employee assistance programme, consider allowing the employee paid time off to attend counselling appointments. It might be worth reminding them that these appointments are genuinely confidential and that nothing they discuss at them will be shared with their colleagues.
I know of several companies who have partnered with charities to encourage conversations on bereavement within staff groups. They often have excellent resources to help employers support people better.
What if someone doesn’t get better?
If the psychological impact on your bereaved employee is prolonged or severe, they could be considered disabled – and that’s when the Equality Act kicks in. An employer will then have a duty to ensure the employee is getting the correct mental health support, and perhaps adjusting their role by relaxing certain duties or deadlines. This should all be done with medical input in collaboration with an employee’s GP or occupational health, and not imposed on them. And, even if the law doesn’t apply, there’s an argument that employers should be doing all this anyway, simply because it’s the right thing to do.
Employment law in general is moving in a more family-focused direction. For example, neonatal rights are being extended in 2024, so we will undoubtedly see a move towards retention packages which would include support for those bereaved by baby loss.
I believe the best employers are always one step ahead of the law. Embracing progressive and compassionate policies before they are compelled to, gives them a head start in attracting and retaining the best people. After all, people going through a vulnerable period in their lives will always remember the actions of an empathetic employer.
This article is featured on page 28 in the November issue of HR Director.
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